But even when we obtain our desires they never come to us garbed as we would wish. To begin with, Ethelbertha did not seem to remark that I was irritable; I had to draw her attention to it. I said:
"You must forgive me, I’m not feeling quite myself to – night."
She said: "Oh! I have not noticed anything different; what’s the matter with you?"
"I can’t tell you what it is," I said; "I’ve felt it coming on for weeks."
"It’s that whisky," said Ethelbertha. "You never touch it except when we go to the Harris’s. You know you can’t stand it; you have not a strong head."
"It isn’t the whisky," I replied; "it’s deeper than that. I fancy it’s more mental than bodily."
"You’ve been reading those criticisms again," said Ethelbertha, more sympathetically; "why don’t you take my advice and put them on the fire?"
"And it isn’t the criticisms," I answered; "they’ve been quite flattering of late – one or two of them."
"Well, what is it?" said Ethelbertha; "there must be something to account for it."
"No, there isn’t," I replied; "that’s the remarkable thing about it; I can only describe it as a strange feeling of unrest that seems to have taken possession of me."
Ethelbertha glanced across at me with a somewhat curious expression, I thought; but as she said nothing, I continued the argument myself.
"This aching monotony of life, these days of peaceful, uneventful felicity, they appal one."
"I should not grumble at them," said Ethelbertha; "we might get some of the other sort, and like them still less."
"I’m not so sure of that," I replied. "In a life of continuous joy, I can imagine even pain coming as a welcome variation. I wonder sometimes whether the saints in heaven do not occasionally feel the continual serenity a burden. To myself a life of endless bliss, uninterrupted by a single contrasting note, would, I feel, grow maddening. I suppose," I continued, "I am a strange sort of man; I can hardly understand myself at times. There are moments," I added, "when I hate myself."
Often a little speech like this, hinting at hidden depths of indescribable emotion has touched Ethelbertha, but to – night she appeared strangely unsympathetic. With regard to heaven and its possible effect upon me, she suggested my not worrying myself about that, remarking it was always foolish to go half – way to meet trouble that might never come; while as to my being a strange sort of fellow, that, she supposed, I could not help, and if other people were willing to put up with me, there was an end of the matter. The monotony of life, she added, was a common experience; there she could sympathise with me.