Diary entries
Voices came to life right in my empty room, which had not been visited by anyone for a long time. I pulled the covers around me abruptly; I couldn’t warm myself one little bit after sunny Mexico and it was a bit frightening to be conscious of the person I really was.
I had managed to escape from the memories of lost feelings, a lost fairytale for some time. But everything came back with double strength in Moscow, accompanied by the fresh force of cool autumn which I met in complete solitude. And only one thing made me happy; that I was no longer a falling leaf buffeted about by the wind but I was supported by the wind of my promises and oaths, which, if I had any worth, I would fulfill. I would be able to stop living for others at last and start living for myself.
To stop living for the sweet vampires who loved me so much, who were ready to drink me to the very bottom without even leaving a drop of blood for me. And not a trace of sympathy, compassion or gentleness in return.
It would all start with adventures, surprises, sex. Then a cold settling of accounts at the end, greed, jealously, scandals. The tension of a pulled bow string, the arrow pointing right at the heart ready to fly into it at any moment so lightly and easily, as if it were as mundane as washing one’s hands. To tear everything apart and burn all bridges as if we had never known each other. Maybe we hadn’t?
I’m a woman and it’s not easy for me to accept that he’s not there anymore …
“I love you!” So easy to say, so difficult to fulfill …
***
“People never change!” My mentor Juan liked saying this often, especially when I would run back to my ex in hope that he had changed. “This happens very rarely with those who really work on themselves or after serious crises. But this time there was no way back. And no matter how hard I tried to fix things, he had the last word. It was his decision to split up.
It felt as if I had been given news about a death. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces and was covered with a crust of ice. It felt as if there and then, an apocalypse had taken place inside me, and there was nothing left between us except for huge eyes of emptiness.
I would look emptiness right in the eyes because I had no one else to share my feelings with, and ask her: “Who will be able to melt my heart now? How can I now trust a man and love with my heart and soul?”