WHERE HAS MY HAPPINESS GONE? WHERE IS THE LOVE AND JOY WHICH USED TO BE WITH ME SINCE CHILDHOOD? WHO AM I? WHAT WAS I BORN FOR? WHAT SHOULD I DO IN THIS WORLD?
These questions didn’t let go of me. I was struggling, but I couldn’t find any answers yet. Also, I understood that I’d lost my freedom. Me, a person who values his freedom more than anything else, gave it up to his own business and entertainment. I lost myself in the lifestyle I used to live those days.
My feeling of disappointment worsened, taking me down to a new personal crisis. Some would ask: “What else do you need?! You’ve got a stable business, a nice family, a wife and a child… Everything seems to be great!” That was what my life seemed to be like from an observer’s point of view, but there was emptiness inside.
Needless to say, my disappointment affected all and each sphere in my life, demolishing them. The first line to be hit were my relationships with my closest ones, as I brought that annoyance and disappointment home. Though, my family which I wished could become my new support, didn’t save me from my inner pain.
In all honesty, one day I just stopped feeling what was going on in my own home. I started fighting with my wife more often. Once I had a huge fight with Marina right after coming back home from a yacht trip with my friends. So huge, that we decided to break up.
We lived apart for about a week. I had enough time to think about what my life had turned into. Those days the thought I could lose my family came to my mind for the first time. Meanwhile, it was absolutely clear that Marina didn’t want that and she was dreaming about our happy family life together. It was me and no one else, as if I were trapped in a dark labyrinth, trying to escape from it without knowing where the exit was.
MY WILL TO DO THINGS HAD ALL BUT LEFT. I HAD NEITHER POWER, NOR WISH TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL. THAT WAS THE DEAD END.
I COULDN’T LIVE THAT WAY ANYMORE. THERE WAS A NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE, TO LIVE SOME DIFFERENT WAY… BUT WHAT DID THAT “DIFFERENT” MEAN?
That’s when there was a huge change in my mind. Maybe, the most important one. I started getting that if you want to escape from a dead end, you need to totally change your life.
I started going to church, reading spiritual literature, visiting shrines, doing pilgrimages to holy places. I needed, I thought, to try that as well. Maybe, that was a way of escaping the reality and passions I used to live in. Anyways, I started acquiring a deeper interest in such activities. I started reading the Bible, prayers, stories about the saints, and about people who had a pure spirit. In those holy places, the places of power, I felt calm.