– Charlie, what were you doing just now?
Her gentle voice with a note of concern calmed him down a lot. Just a few moments ago, it had seemed like she'd be screaming and hysterical, not understanding what it was or where it came from. That it was some kind of crime that she shouldn't tell anyone about. But there was no reproach or anger on her part, only complete incomprehension.
– I… I was sharpening a knife to cut my arm… I remember exactly that I thought it was too blunt for that… And I needed to cut my arm to lighten the left side of my body… To make it airy and light. And then you could cut out your heart.
– What?!
– Yes… I remember it well… I had such a thought… Just a minute ago it seemed to me completely natural. I can't even describe the feeling, but it was a complete certainty of rightness… It seemed to me that if I cut out the heart, nothing inside my body would interfere with each other anymore… That it would free the whole body....
Sierra walked around the table, pulled up a nearby chair, and sat down close to Heddock:
– Charlie, are you saying you were gonna kill yourself? Why?
– That's the thing… I wasn't going to kill myself It's a different feeling. All I wanted to do
was cut out my heart. I had the complete feeling that I was gonna go on living my life as before. Or almost like before, only better… I can't describe it It's clear to me now that it's delusional, but at
the time it seemed perfectly normal. Not even normal, but natural…
– Charlie, there's something I have to tell you that probably everyone on the station is hiding from you.....
– That eight months ago we had our first suicide who was buried outside? About that?
– Yeah. I see someone already told you.
– Yes, Sierra. Someone told me. Why didn't you? Why did you keep it from me?
– Why do you need to know that, Charlie? You know it all You teach people to be good for
themselves and everyone else. You teach them to think about the future. You give them confidence. Why would you want to know that someone gave up not just that, but the very possibility of life?
– Because we've already got four of these crazies. And it looks like there just might be a
fifth…
They both fell silent. It was clear to both of them that everything had just gone exactly to the