TIDA - страница 26

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– Muhit, you remember I told you I was feeling low? It happened, remember? Nothing was going well for me. The work was all wrecked, my wife was sick and hospitalized… I needed to be everything and be on time. I told you then why everything was going wrong for me. Unlike the others. I experienced a sudden happiness and sadness and concern for my family. It was throwing me back and forth… Do you remember, Muhit? Everything around seemed to be one solid problem. And you told me only one phrase which put everything in its place right away… You told me then: what do you want, Pasha? You are a doctor and always need to hold your head high. That many people watch us and find some kind of support in us. At least some kind of support. Life is like a heart rate monitor. Yeah, that’s what you said. And I was even surprised by your response. And it is actually true. Doesn’t everything we see and everything happening prove your theory? I told myself you were a genius then. You noticed everything around and made such a comparison. It’s true, a heart rate is jumping up and down, a straight line is for the dead… So you have to remember that life is all about ups and downs. It will remind you that you have to go back. Did your words help me then? Obviously, they did, Muhit. But now take your own words back and address them to your own self! Yes, you’re having a really hard time now, I understand! I don’t judge you for doing all of these to yourself recently. Find yourself, my friend! You are the only one who’s able to answer all the questions in your head! Take a sit and watch other people who lost all of their families. Listen to what they were dreaming about… Haven’t you seen such people while working? You might be on top of your happiness. Maybe you’ve got everything many people are wishing for? It’s your life and your family… You are safe and sound, you have your arms and legs… Yes, you lost a son. But you lost him, not killed yourself. Remember that. I understand that your heart is broken. But you’re a man. It’s time to stop running away from yourself but make decisions. Once and forever. You have always done it. It’s characteristic only of you,– he said standing up.

– They left me. Mereke and Karlygash. They left me alone. Do you understand, Pasha, who I am right now? A father who wrecked his child? Do I dare to live on Earth after this tragedy? Tell me, why are you torturing me? Would you like to see me like this and make fun of me? Say it directly, why are you torturing me? Would you like to see me this way and make fun of me? Yes, I’m nothing! It is my choice. I want to suffer, Pasha. I couldn’t help when I had to, not like a father but like a doctor. And he needed me! He was waiting for me, I remember his last glance, addressed to me. As it turned out, it was his last glance. It’s curious to observe the way a person who used to be successful is dying inside. Especially if this person is you… You walk around with no emotions and only observe the way people are keeping away from you and look scornfully behind your back… Alcohol is my rock right now, that's why I’m addicted to it, my friend. Pasha, have you ever felt scorn from people who saw you the way you’d never been before? Yes, it’s like that, there’s no other way. And they have no sympathy for me. But isn’t it what I want? It’s my punishment for my crime, friend. I need scorn because I deserved it like no one else. Now you understand me, Pasha? I really wish to disappear. I want everyone to forget me… Would I want to become myself as I used to be before? Would I want to be loved and to love? Unfortunately, it’s all left in the past. My life is over, Pasha. My life has no meaning when it’s empty,– he told so and dropped a half-empty bottle of vodka and cried quietly, covering his face.