I discovered that auto-aggression is closely connected with the illusory view of the self, which, in turn, generates a certain reference view of «happiness» and the external world. This, in turn, generates the devaluation of the real world, which is different from the reference one. The comparison of these worlds inevitably plunges one into despondency, which leads to auto-aggression as an attempt to defeat one's own «inferiority» and achieve a state of "full value" where the dream of the ideal has already been achieved, but this state is constantly slipping away. And again, auto-aggression, vulnerability, devaluation. And on and on in a circle, over and over again.
Having decided to share the experience of personal psychoanalysis, I initially wanted to lead the reader through this circle following me, focusing on my notes. However, I eventually abandoned this idea and will instead describe the components that make up the structure of the infantile personality, paying attention to the fact that everything in it is interconnected, has two opposites, and the whole structure has many degrees of protection from external influence.
We will consider the following blocks:
• Illusions: Beautiful dreams and terrible fears, what we take from the outside, transform in a certain way, and carry inside (import). Illusions form the basis of the structure of the Ouroboros.
• Full Value (ouroboric “happiness”, the embodied Reference Image) and Inferiority (ouroboric “unhappiness”): These are the two states of the infantile personality, the main character of the narrative – the actor. The actor strives to enter the first state but cannot get there, while they remain in the second state all the time.
• These states have manifestations – superiority and vulnerability – between which the actor oscillates on the outer circuit. The culmination of this oscillation cycle is the affect of superiority or vulnerability. This is what is translated from the inside to the outside.
Thus, illusions are imported, and the perception of reality altered by them is exported in the form of affects.
We will also consider the tools the ouroboric psyche uses to keep its structure intact:
• Aggression: External/internal (auto-).
• Devaluation of the true and idealization of the false.