In the summer of 2023, after another unsuccessful attempt to build a relationship, I actively listened to online lectures by various psychologists, which led me to realize that all my problems stemmed from childhood.
Six months later, I suddenly realized that during those sleepless nights, which happened quite often, I was engaging in auto-aggressive attacks on myself for being the way I am and for my life being the way it is, rather than what it could have been if I had been different and acted differently in various situations.
At the end of June, I had a dream about a dragon-lizard, and I began to analyze my every emotion with the persistence of a gold digger who had stumbled upon a gold mine, constantly asking myself why I felt the way I did at any given moment.
Finally, in August 2024, I had a quite neutral dream in which I was walking home alone on the street in late fall. I woke up with an unpleasant feeling centered in the solar plexus area, which I recognized as a familiar oppressive longing. I habitually interpreted the dream as suppressed pain from loneliness. But as I analyzed my sensations, I suddenly realized that it was a feeling of hunger. Upon reflection, I concluded that the feeling of hunger and the feeling of loneliness and rejection in my psyche are so closely connected that they are, in fact, difficult to distinguish.
It was then that I finally decided to question my mother, despite her active protest. She reluctantly told me that, despite a normal birth, I was brought to her only after 10 hours. I was weaned at 9 months of age and sent to my grandmother's house in another city the same day. For the next few years, I saw my mother only twice a month on weekends. Thus, the meaning of the dream I had 5 years ago became clear to me! It was my mother who helped me understand why my psyche was organized in such a way, why I had been suffering from rejection and loneliness all my life, searching for situations where rejection would be overcome, making unsuccessful attempts to find a mate, and why I suffered from night hunger that I could not recognize and confused with loneliness.
I believe this anguish of mine comes from infancy when these feelings were triggered simultaneously – the baby was hungry if lying alone and feeling rejected. Accordingly, as an adult, at night I dream about hunger as anguish, and during the day I perceive anguish (each one has their own, for their lost “paradise,” for their illusory dream) as hunger. By satisfying hunger, we temporarily alleviate the longing. But since this feeling is immense, we have to eat a lot, and the effect of eating is short-term.