Ouroboros or the world inside out - страница 26

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As a newborn, I could not understand the peculiarities of obstetrics in the country where I was born. From the warm «paradise» of the womb, having gone through the pain and fear of birth, I found myself alone for 10 hours (an infinitely long time, probably seeming like forever), in the cold (it used to be 36.6°C all the time), and probably hungry (though I was fed, it was not the same as feeding through the umbilical cord). Just as a nine-month-old, I could not regard being sent to my grandmother's house as self-care. In one day, both my mom and her breast disappeared, and I found myself among people I had never seen before. I certainly perceived it unequivocally – as rejection.

In fact, that dream about visiting the past was literal – to return to the present, to reality, you have to make a journey back to the beginning of life. To your mother.

Chapter 2. Reference pattern. Full-value. Inferiority

In the distorted world of Ouroboros, happiness and unhappiness are defined differently than in the world of a psychologically mature adult. Splendor and superiority over others are seen as «happiness» and lead to euphoria, while feelings of inadequacy, arising from comparisons with those perceived as better, are seen as «unhappiness» and lead to despondency. For example, if I have a Mercedes-Benz and my neighbor has a Lamborghini, I feel wretched and unhappy. Conversely, if I have the Lamborghini and my neighbor has the Mercedes-Benz, he feels wretched, and I feel magnificent and happy.

This simple example illustrates the states between which an infantile personality endlessly oscillates. Such a person can only experience brief bursts of euphoria when someone perceived as worse is nearby. Sustainable mental comfort is unattainable because there is always someone perceived as better in some way (prettier, richer, smarter, more successful, talented, sexier, etc.).

A woman who cannot build a relationship, while others can, feels inferior. If she builds one in the future, she will feel complete and «happy». Another woman felt complete in the past when she had one healthy child. When a child was born who did not meet her expectations, she felt incomplete and longed for her past sense of completeness. The first woman dreams of a future where she feels complete, while the second woman constantly reminisces about her past completeness. Both punish themselves in the present for not being able to achieve their ideal state, which is the essence of auto-aggression. Since they feel incomplete now, they devalue themselves and everything around them, believing only completeness is valuable – this is the essence of devaluation. When the desired state is achieved, auto-aggression will cease, and anguish will recede. For the first woman, this is only possible in the future, and for the second, it was (or seems to have been) in the past. In the present, there is only auto-aggression and devaluation. This is how ouroboric inferiority is experienced.

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