In adulthood, this reference pattern is either unachievable (such as unconditional love) or, if achievable, dysfunctional and ridiculous. Upon achieving it, one realizes that the embodied dream does not bring satisfaction. For example, if a woman grew up in a family with an aggressive man, she felt defenseless and now seeks the kind of protection a child needs. She will find such protection and end up with an overwhelming and controlling husband. Later, she will complain to a shrink or friends that he "deprives her of freedom" and "does not let her breathe," making it «unbearable». Nevertheless, the ouroboric psyche will continue to strive for this reference pattern, ignoring reality.
I once overheard a conversation between two intelligent-looking women. One said to the other, “I have to go get a manicure, because I've been walking like a scourge[2] for a week. This phrase encapsulates a lot – from the sense of inferiority due to the lack of a manicure to the use of slang as a demonstration of vulnerability (exporting vulnerability) and self-criticism for not meeting her own standards. It becomes clear that this woman has a detail called «Beauty» in her reference pattern, which was incorporated in childhood and includes an obligatory component of external grooming. Any inconsistency with this plunges her into vulnerability and self-criticism, manifesting as calling herself unpleasant names. Such a woman might tolerate being rude, incompetent, or hysterical, but she cannot tolerate not having a manicure.
As mentioned earlier, the core of the reference pattern is based on unmet childhood needs, but it is replenished, modernized, and adapted throughout life. Adaptation is generally understood positively as adjusting to current needs. However, in ouroboric reality, adaptation means maintaining the impracticability and dysfunctionality of the reference pattern by adding elements that cannot be realized in the person's current life conditions. For example, my friend, after having a daughter with autism, reformatted her reference pattern by adding a detail called "Healthy Child," which is obviously unattainable at the moment. Consequently, her internal inferiority and external vulnerability grew, and everything that did not match the new reference pattern – essentially her entire real life – was devalued.