Читать Самые лучшие английские анекдоты - Сергей Матвеев

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbour, seeing him there, decides to investigate. “What are you doing?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.” “That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbour. Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your ugly cat!”

A porter in a British hotel comes upon an American tourist impatiently jabbing at the button for the lift.

“Sir, the lift will be here in a moment.”

“Lift? Lift?” replies the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”

“No sir, here we call it a lift.”

“Well, as it was invented in the United States, it’s called an elevator.”

“Yes sir, but as the language was invented here, it’s called a lift.”

Joe: I love you. I love you. Won’t you be my wife?

Jess: You must see mama first.

Joe: I have seen her several times, but I love you just the same.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie, still crying, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture.

The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked:

“Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”

“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.”

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.[1]”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”