Usually I slept until midday. But not this time… I jumped out of bed at 8am and flew to meet him, pushed on by the winds of change.
Juan’s cap was almost covering his eyes. When we got closer to each other to say, “Hello!” he slightly raised the peak of his cap. I took the opportunity to dive under it with my glance.
That second my eyes were pierced by the glitter of black diamond – a clear gaze that had the power to turn everything into ashes. It was impossible to hide from him. Juan’s eyes bored holes through one’s body leaving no place for lies or self-deceit. Our friendship had begun.
My former boyfriend and I invited Juan to stay at our place while he was in Moscow. He complied amicably. The time we spent with him was unforgettable; intensive, complete and filled with a child-like happiness!
But the main thing was that during the 2 weeks that he lived with us he magically managed to change my relationship to development as a couple, pregnancy, motherhood and the concept of ‘woman’.
One day Juan called me over to his room and asked what turned out to be a tricky question: ‘”Do you want a child?” His magic eyes blazed up once again with piercing sparks. My eyes became shifty, my mouth turned to stone, my neck and shoulders stiffened up. I felt for the first time that I couldn’t give the answer I always gave in such cases.
Juan looked into my centre and nodded his head: “Yes, you want it…I can see you”. This was a revelation. I panicked because I couldn’t struggle any longer and lie to myself and pretend that everything was alright.
That moment was the start of my return to myself, my heart and what I really want in this life.
Choosing a man
Women, how easily seduced we are by men who hide their indecisiveness and irresponsibility behind quotes from ‘clever’ books. We are led down the garden path by their stories, which rob us of our feminine happiness, power, and make us suffer day in day out and busy ourselves with exhausting soul searching.
My ex-boyfriend put it into my head that children are an unnecessary burden, that we have other, ‘higher’ aims in life and that children are the lot of ‘normal’ people. These kind of men want to take all a woman’s maternal energy and are not prepared to share it with anyone else.