– Muhit, pick up the photo. It fell off your pocket. It will get dirty for sure,– politely addressed him Pavel, pointing his finger at it.
– My handsome boy. I’m so sorry for not shielding you. It was my fault that you left us so small,– murmured Muhit in a low voice, quickly kissed the photo and put it back in his pocket.
– Would you be the one to judge me, Pasha? Do you think I’m wasting my life? Well, maybe you’re right. Who are you and who am I now? I’ve reached the bottom. I am a useless drunkard, Pasha. Do you think it’s easy for me and I don’t think about anything? If only I could live this way, my friend. I’m even scared to ask God for anything. Shall I ask and lose it? How can I go on, Pavel? I’m disappointed in everything. Who else could I tell about it but you. But I would be really surprised if you didn’t know all of that. Pasha, look how handsome he was. He is looking at me as if he isn’t happy I’m not with him as well. I was his rock. I was but didn’t become… I really wanted to be someone important and necessary to him in life. I wanted to teach him everything I know. I wanted to show him the world the way I knew it. Why are all people happy and upset about…. Yes, I dare to say so after what I’ve experienced. Frankly speaking, I’m sick of this world because it is a pure evil which takes happiness away from us. What shall I aim, Pasha? Tell me. To the things which you’ll eventually lose? This photo, it’s the only one I have. It is my savior and my death at the same time now… Look, how handsome he was… Look at the way he is laughing, Pasha. He laughed so rarely for his short life so, Pasha, does it mean that I was the only one I lived for? Mereke and my daughter left me alone. Maybe they wanted me to accept the loss as a fact and took away all of his photos. And I don’t want to think this way… It hurts to think that I could kill him with my inaction. It seems to me that I am a useless man, a useless doctor. But perhaps the word “doctor” doesn’t relate to me after everything that has happened. Who needs me after turning away from me? Only my son needed me and God took him away from me. Why? Tell me why do we lose our children? Is it all a challenge for us? Let this challenge go to hell then! To hell! I was supposed to be in his shoes. He is there, instead of me, Pasha. I am tortured by this guilt. Why doesn’t God take us? Aren’t our lives enough? Every day I die with my son in my mind and you know, it makes me happy… I’m happy that I laugh with him and I'm close to him… I tell him some of my stories and he listens to me attentively. I can even feel his tight handshake. Pasha, can you imagine it can be this way… And he doesn’t want to leave me, however strange it is… But the morning comes and everything goes on again. I anticipated this tragedy, my friend. I knew that something was going to happen. I feel everything, Pasha. I saw some kind of giant or some creature which wanted to tell me something. At least I felt it by the look of his eyes. The giant was looking at me with desperate eyes. It was a sign, Pasha. It wanted to warn me about something. Do you think these were just dreams? If only it was this way. If only we understood everything the fate wanted to tell is or prevent from… Unfortunately I can’t get out of this circle, Pasha. Aren’t you a father as well? You saw the way I lived, how happy I was and having my plans for life… It came out that our life is just a fiction. Just one empty lie, Pasha? Even though he was suffering from cerebral palsy, I was getting ready to make his life easier… I never regretted that I had a son with such a diagnosis. The only thing important for me was to just be next to him. Just be next to him to always have a chance to kiss him… And what’s now? All of my knowledge, all my experience, was it an empty idea, my friend? There’s no meaning in anything! That’s what I understood. I lost my rock. This is probably how people die. So I will disappear and no one will notice… None of my presence and my tears, my friend,– he sobbed looking at the photograph.