About three months later, at the end of June, I had an unusual and very vivid dream in which I received a small lizard, about the size of a hen's egg, as a gift. It fit in the palm of my hand and was so cute and harmless that I instinctively reached out to feed it. I offered it a crumb of something tasty, and in that instant, it began to grow at an alarming rate, transforming into a fearsome and aggressively terrifying dragon that filled the entire room. There was no doubt about its intention to destroy me… and then I woke up. A little later, I realized the meaning of this dream: it represented auto-aggression, which can be quite harmless if kept in check, but if nurtured with even a hint of self-dissatisfaction, it can become destructive.
I became interested in exploring the essence of this phenomenon, realizing it might hold the key to solving my problems. I found that I thought best during classical music concerts and while walking through the winding alleys of Moscow. While walking, I took notes to capture my thoughts. Through observing myself and others, I realized that the issue lies not solely in auto-aggression; it is merely a part of the vicious cycle present in the psyche of an infantile or ouroboric personality (these adjectives will be used interchangeably in the text), to which, without a doubt, I belong.
By exploring the thread of auto-aggression, I uncovered a complex web of specific patterns responsible for almost all my reactions. I also confirmed that these patterns are not unique to me but are quite universal. I aimed to unravel this web, study, and organize the structure of my psyche, and make it healthier and more functional.
To my surprise and joy, I realized that simply becoming aware of these mechanisms, bringing them from the depths of the subconscious, significantly reduces their pathological impact. Understanding what is happening in the psyche at any given moment, what it is connected to, and what it might lead to, allows for a degree of control. Initially, this control requires effort, but over time, it leads to the formation of new neural connections, making more sensible behavior natural.
Thus, studying my own psyche proved to be not only interesting but also healing. I noticed that my emotional reactions, which led to conflicts and constant dissatisfaction with myself, were initially instantaneous and automatic. At first, I could only recognize what was happening, but not stop the reaction. Over time, a gap of about three seconds between the trigger and my reaction began to appear, which was enough to not only recognize but also, in some cases, stop irritation, resentment, passive external aggression, and so on.